Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Here's the thing...

Here's the thing.
My last post was so carefully expressed in general terms that, I don't know, it was tepid.
That's the nicest word I could come up with- and it's not about self-negation or judgment- it's just plain true.

This is what I wanted to say:

I am a gutsy, earthy, intense, deep-feeling, kind of person.
I can be transported by a breath of wind or the squish of water in my rain-soaked shoes.
Godde enchants me with all of Creation- including my body and the wonderful things it does: every taste and soft touch, every scent, every time I behold beauty, every pulse of sexual energy- all  are occasions for me to experience the Sacred.

When I center in meditation and breath it is never about distancing myself but about entering more and more deeply into my breath, my body, the pulse of blood in my veins.
I work to enter into the sense that I am breathing with all who breathes.

And when I pray. Well, it's not always pretty. Sometimes I pray while wallowing in the depths of my pain, or frustration or anxiety. But, by golly, I am praying. I guess conversational prayer feels sacred to me when I am being most honest, most real, most vulnerable, most struggling, most me... Not prettied up, not trying to 'act nice' with Godde but to be as real as I am. Even my profanity is holy sometimes. 

So grace and grit go hand in hand for me. 

I honor those who center peace. Who pray peace. Who transcend self as a way of entering into the Divine.  I'm just saying there is more than one way to be in an energetic, intentional 
relationship with Godde. 

It is good. It is a good and right thing to grapple with Godde in all our humanity.
In the past year I have grieved without ceasing. I have gone to a sleepless bed each night and risen to sawdust mornings. I have heaved great gasps of pain and anger. I have struggled to get through a day and given thanks when the end of each day arrived.

In every moment, feeling and being myself all the way out to my edges, and swimming in all my tangled emotions... Godde has been with me.

That's the thing I was trying to say in my last post. Godde isn't only in peace and centeredness. 
Godde is in the body and the blood and the struggle. 
Sometimes it is the most intimate place that Godde comes to us. 
Or we come to Godde. 

That's what I was trying to say.

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